....well actually just me with more of the above.
Remember those days when you had a bit of binge month and gathered a couple of pounds? No fear, just eat less, gym more and hey presto. No more, younger beasts! No more! That sh#t just hangs on for dear life as if your brain is telling your body that you’re about to embark on a journey to join the hippies at Burn (love you all) and get left in the desert and ya’ll better keep that extra fat just in case. Body to Self – ‘Don’t worry b#tch, I got your back…your love handles and that exceptionally sexy stomach fat just in case!’.
I had a meltdown but not a month ago, I was NOT happy when I was crippled by yet another glory hole of an ailment, Sir Glory Hole Gastro. After working tirelessly on an event, my joke about my post-event holiday being a celebrity type spa rehab, well let’s just say instead there was a slight miscommunication between myself and my hearing-impaired guardian angels. After day 4 when I still felt like death, I visited my doctor for the second time and after some prodding (not the fun kind) – there was a moment of panic that I may have managed to infect my appendix and if not treated would not end well for me. Amidst the panic, blood tests etc., ol’ doctor felt we should get this beast onto the scale. Now, although I own a scale, I AVOID at all costs as it brings nothing but tears, so after not being near one of the buggers for a while (except to decorate with an incense holder for relaxing bathing time), I had the pleasure of witnessing ‘how much weight I’d lost’ from Sir Glory Hole Gastro. I turned to my doctor and said, ‘I’m sorry, but if this is me losing weight how much did I fcking weigh beforehand????!!!!’. The post visit vomiting was most likely a combo of the ailment and the numbers on the scale.
But, as I crawl through old photos, whilst crying through a tissue box of ‘how thin I used to be’, I remember looking at the photos then and thinking I was fat. China-tits, we get older, we pack on some and we’ll lose some when we need to and are dedicated (urgh…give me another whiskey). Life’s short and I‘m so over being worried about not looking like I did 10 years ago. Of course I don’t, that was 10 years ago! Focus on what you’ve got, be it great tits, ass, legs, ears or hell elbows (they STILL count those elbows). This doesn’t happen often (but it should girls) – I woke up one morning and was getting ready for work and I just felt sexy and self high-fivey. I thought, ‘This little tigress is going to put on some lipstick, I’m going to heat this face up!’. I got so excited…I tripped over my laptop cable on the way to my dresser and fell flat on face…I couldn’t stop laughing at myself and it’s still one of the best mornings I’ve had!
P.S. Whether you’re single, married, married with kids, single with kids - go and treat yourself to some high-fivey lipstick. My recommendation would be any from Christian Dior Addict Lipstick (and no, beast over here is not getting endorsed, just know my stuff) as they keep your lips moisturised and pucker-licious (so much so, you may just be able to replace that ‘p’ with a ‘f’). If you’re not a big lipstick fan, get the CD Lip Glow, just enhances natural lip colour and you’ll look hotter than normal (if that’s possible).
P.P.S. I was listening to the following shitty/AWESOME song - Jennifer Rush (YES!), 25 Lovers - lip altering stuff this tune.